Thinking about how often I try to reconstruct the world into what it used to be. People don't know what simplistic is. Imagine when there were only a few of us in the world. When there wasn't electric light or much more choice than survival.
I am sitting in the library right now, just mad. The library, for one, is one of my trigger places. Recently, they had an error where they checked in a book on CD as a fucking book. It messed up the system so that another book I returned is not checked in as returned but as back-stocked. When I tried to get help, the guy refused to take them off my account, and just stared at me when I told him what happened.
They do not have card readers, which I remembered too late on the bus, so if I wanted to get the pix, I would have to go back to school. I am hateful right now, partly because of my fucking stupid dependence on food for a good mood and because I'm yet again off my meds.
I don't feel good, and I keep being really, really tired.
EDIT:
This is probably on the heels of having gotten some good stuff on my Bible study.
EDIT:
Jesus gave me a good answer, but I may still not make it because it's big.
It's my fault for not dealing with it earlier, but still, there was the deer, so when I had remembered, I completely forgot and would have been very tired to do it anyway, so there goes another dollar.
I don't have any packets with me.
I need to get food so my headache and irritation goes away. I hate being so dependent.
I do love that I have air to breathe and water to put the packets in, and a specific for today,
I love that I have a little money I'm able to transfer from Rev.
Monday, November 19, 2018
Monday, November 2, 2015
When You Just Need the Beat and Not the Positivity
Judas Priest- Hell Patrol
-sugg by https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CB0QFjAAahUKEwj_t63SxPLIAhXSPB4KHe9BD20&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.theatlantic.com%2Fhealth%2Farchive%2F2013%2F09%2Ffinding-happiness-in-angry-music%2F279341%2F&usg=AFQjCNH-YvKsOlhjkXgFV2CeDI5ywNC_xg&sig2=bQTaB8d8xAsw8mH89LVAjw&bvm=bv.106379543,d.dmo
mother fuck everything.
what the fuck?
what i want to type still has thought in it get out thoguth fuck you thought you cause e4verything to go wrong. as well as every6thing else. inner and outer, is'a ll a flaming pile of shit that the \biggest dog in the world coulnd't have produced so that we n\know exactualy where it cqame from just fuck everything red blue green why is he talking he's loud but no one corrects him why do i have to be lelo from fight element everyone expects the exat cefinition of perfect from me whlile the eyscp-ect me to take in aevery thing they want to throw at me. i stand in the middle, tyring to pe perfect from fear that they will take even my lack from me and they put theier shovels of hypoc\racy without remorse in the flaming pile that is the world and their own stuff and heap it on me until you tyhink i could no longer breathe except i still do. that's the big joke of it all. in a world where everything is completely wrong without hope, no one will klet me die. not even my own fucking stupid fearful bitchy cowardice self. of course, with that image comes self esteem. how can i talk about the self esteem, though, so people think i have a poor self image. if i say anyting good about mtyself it's pride. how can we live in this world, god? how can we make a difference when everything we try to relax and do in the spirit in your name comes to nothing or makes things worse? what does it matter hwne i improve someone's five minutes if they end up killing themselves anyway? will my brain shut off? fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck i can see how people who et into repeating things get into it. their brains maybe becomes stuck. as i know, i don't know aything and i'mnever right or if i am it comes back to haunt me like a mother fucker or someone usese it against me who cares who cares who cares who cartes who cares who can do this for 30 minutes when they're agnry theyre s no snese in their brainse the typos really bother me but what can i do nothing i feel like the angry version of (pasu to luok this up) Charlie Gordon from Flowers for algernon where is my capitalization and grammar? grandma's voice, but also some thing im' forced to care about by a whorld which will not take me on any terms and use it as an excuse to not take me. hwat the fuck? how do you get along? how do you sruvive and while (why) how can i do anything for these stupid mother fuckers, and then why am i caused to suffer so that i can join heaven for not having tonde anything? i don't want god to say it's in the effort. make a difference or take me out. what the fucking mother fuck? so wound \up i have to breathe to type, and tyring oot to pound my facein public eor at all becasue i think it's really messing me up. fuck you satan ( i wanted to say god, but i'm trying to stop my7self here. i can't complain about someone becasuse i had to do something else first and they fuckted me over by being done when i came back. i know i'm a paranoid bick because the world does not get awaty with enverying thing and i do not suffer everything but it feels that way sometimes. i guess being honest about realit really does foeelal good borm ambyejmaisdfjlosui9 oh how much to hold it together and hom uch to let go because the brain can only operate in a certain range. wider than in other people, sure but not necessarily wide enough at times. oh well if it
's hanmpered maybe i need to read it. what else can i do to make the anger go away? i am shaking and panicking. wghat else i don't understand is not dealing with the issues that come iup in anger. when else can i deal with them? what good does tv watching dio but delay the inevitable and have people like my exhusband say you didn't prepare for that in timed.skfqlqlqlqlqlqltmn9 -angermarks this time, not br4ain shutting down.gimicks that take over. i'm worthing oing to jail over yhou.
\stop being a bitcha dn threatening me and getting away with int and then getting me in trouble for my reaction to your total abuse of me. i think i know why you did it, google drive. thank god. get yours. don't worry geiniuinlye about what happens to me and certainly don't genuilnely try to help me as i need it and sacrifice your own peace of mind or what happens to me. don't try to make a real differrence in my life like i make in yours, probably that you never notice because you won't let me in. take it for granted. it
's best for you. just don't stand there and demaind that i bend overb ackwards kissing your ass and expect me to thank you for the opportunity. gad damn it.
what i want out of good bitchy music: a girl who is singing about getting for herself and fucking those who have wronged her with a good beat and power. i.e. bitch is too singsongy, and straight up is too needy-ish. we don't need any fuicking guy or another person to make thisd thing right. we just need them to act the fuck right mother fuckers why they do what they do fuck em all they gonna act that way waht the fuck i hate everything and everyone all the time and i want to die but i'm a cowardly shit who wont do it herself so i'll just listen to mean but empowered women.
i think of oeple taking this blog seriously when it's not the real thoughts i compose for daily life. i need somewhere to dump the anger and let go of the inhibitions that doesn't involve a jail cell. fuck off if you want to pu8nishme for trying to heal mother fucklj;lioujlsdijkfjkjdkfjslkdjflijsdlfijlskjdfloijsdlifja;sdjkfl;akjsdfija;dfj;aoudfijs;ldkflskji;lsj!
seven day fool. wtf? that's not bitchy, that's getting walked all over taken advantage of why aren't there enough words to say fuck all of you stupid hypocritical assholes out there?
what the fuck?
what i want to type still has thought in it get out thoguth fuck you thought you cause e4verything to go wrong. as well as every6thing else. inner and outer, is'a ll a flaming pile of shit that the \biggest dog in the world coulnd't have produced so that we n\know exactualy where it cqame from just fuck everything red blue green why is he talking he's loud but no one corrects him why do i have to be lelo from fight element everyone expects the exat cefinition of perfect from me whlile the eyscp-ect me to take in aevery thing they want to throw at me. i stand in the middle, tyring to pe perfect from fear that they will take even my lack from me and they put theier shovels of hypoc\racy without remorse in the flaming pile that is the world and their own stuff and heap it on me until you tyhink i could no longer breathe except i still do. that's the big joke of it all. in a world where everything is completely wrong without hope, no one will klet me die. not even my own fucking stupid fearful bitchy cowardice self. of course, with that image comes self esteem. how can i talk about the self esteem, though, so people think i have a poor self image. if i say anyting good about mtyself it's pride. how can we live in this world, god? how can we make a difference when everything we try to relax and do in the spirit in your name comes to nothing or makes things worse? what does it matter hwne i improve someone's five minutes if they end up killing themselves anyway? will my brain shut off? fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck i can see how people who et into repeating things get into it. their brains maybe becomes stuck. as i know, i don't know aything and i'mnever right or if i am it comes back to haunt me like a mother fucker or someone usese it against me who cares who cares who cares who cartes who cares who can do this for 30 minutes when they're agnry theyre s no snese in their brainse the typos really bother me but what can i do nothing i feel like the angry version of (pasu to luok this up) Charlie Gordon from Flowers for algernon where is my capitalization and grammar? grandma's voice, but also some thing im' forced to care about by a whorld which will not take me on any terms and use it as an excuse to not take me. hwat the fuck? how do you get along? how do you sruvive and while (why) how can i do anything for these stupid mother fuckers, and then why am i caused to suffer so that i can join heaven for not having tonde anything? i don't want god to say it's in the effort. make a difference or take me out. what the fucking mother fuck? so wound \up i have to breathe to type, and tyring oot to pound my facein public eor at all becasue i think it's really messing me up. fuck you satan ( i wanted to say god, but i'm trying to stop my7self here. i can't complain about someone becasuse i had to do something else first and they fuckted me over by being done when i came back. i know i'm a paranoid bick because the world does not get awaty with enverying thing and i do not suffer everything but it feels that way sometimes. i guess being honest about realit really does foeelal good borm ambyejmaisdfjlosui9 oh how much to hold it together and hom uch to let go because the brain can only operate in a certain range. wider than in other people, sure but not necessarily wide enough at times. oh well if it
's hanmpered maybe i need to read it. what else can i do to make the anger go away? i am shaking and panicking. wghat else i don't understand is not dealing with the issues that come iup in anger. when else can i deal with them? what good does tv watching dio but delay the inevitable and have people like my exhusband say you didn't prepare for that in timed.skfqlqlqlqlqlqltmn9 -angermarks this time, not br4ain shutting down.gimicks that take over. i'm worthing oing to jail over yhou.
\stop being a bitcha dn threatening me and getting away with int and then getting me in trouble for my reaction to your total abuse of me. i think i know why you did it, google drive. thank god. get yours. don't worry geiniuinlye about what happens to me and certainly don't genuilnely try to help me as i need it and sacrifice your own peace of mind or what happens to me. don't try to make a real differrence in my life like i make in yours, probably that you never notice because you won't let me in. take it for granted. it
's best for you. just don't stand there and demaind that i bend overb ackwards kissing your ass and expect me to thank you for the opportunity. gad damn it.
what i want out of good bitchy music: a girl who is singing about getting for herself and fucking those who have wronged her with a good beat and power. i.e. bitch is too singsongy, and straight up is too needy-ish. we don't need any fuicking guy or another person to make thisd thing right. we just need them to act the fuck right mother fuckers why they do what they do fuck em all they gonna act that way waht the fuck i hate everything and everyone all the time and i want to die but i'm a cowardly shit who wont do it herself so i'll just listen to mean but empowered women.
i think of oeple taking this blog seriously when it's not the real thoughts i compose for daily life. i need somewhere to dump the anger and let go of the inhibitions that doesn't involve a jail cell. fuck off if you want to pu8nishme for trying to heal mother fucklj;lioujlsdijkfjkjdkfjslkdjflijsdlfijlskjdfloijsdlifja;sdjkfl;akjsdfija;dfj;aoudfijs;ldkflskji;lsj!
seven day fool. wtf? that's not bitchy, that's getting walked all over taken advantage of why aren't there enough words to say fuck all of you stupid hypocritical assholes out there?
Angry Girl Music
Gimme More
Britney Spears
Blackout
- Beyonce/Grown Woman
- Icona Pop/I Don't Care
- Alanis Morissette/You Oughta Know
Unfortunately, who run the world
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/308486.page (saved from this date on drive)
Pat Benatar
heartbreaker
people who call out other people for being wrong
hit me with your best shot
Barracuda
heart
Britney Spears
Blackout
- Beyonce/Grown Woman
- Icona Pop/I Don't Care
- Alanis Morissette/You Oughta Know
Unfortunately, who run the world
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/308486.page (saved from this date on drive)
Pat Benatar
heartbreaker
people who call out other people for being wrong
hit me with your best shot
Barracuda
heart
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